Monday, June 7, 2010

Chokito says bro bro bro.

I've always liked Chokito brand chocolate bars, i've never had a bad one. They're like the more attractive but still ugly as sin second-cousin of the unsightly Picnic brand chocolate bar, which i also like. Plus, they're pretty underground as well. Sometimes when i eat Chokitos my friends are like "WTF are you eating man?" and i'm all "duh, it's a chokito" and then they have a bite and they're like "cool :)". They actually smile after tasting it, Chokitos are just that good. However, i never see them eating them again after that. Whenever we're in the chocolate isle at the supermarket or the milk bar they always grab something lame and mainstream like MARS or Summer Roll. Who eats a Summer Roll in 2010? Oh that's right, retired dairy farmers and pregnant women.

I think people don't get down with Chokito because they don't see it advertised enough. Name the last advertising campaign for Chokito. Exactly, you can't, and even if you can, you're a nerd and should probably lay off the Chokitos, nerd. It really grinds my gears when something awesome (namely, Chokitos) isn't getting exposure because people make me feel like a stain for enjoying it when in reality, Chokitos are better than a-lot of people i know and they can't even talk.

So what would chokito say if it could talk? It would say NO NO NO to things that apparently ruin other things. I could be wrong, but i think this is a clever play on words pertaining to a popular Amy Winehouse song in which she disagrees with some people's stance on her drug dependence and the consideration of rehabilitation. Which is a shame because she's now a crack whore.

But if there's anything Chokito hates more than rehab, it's Sunday drivers. Sunday drivers on a Monday, when it isn't Sunday. I was on the train this morning when i saw the ad so i couldn't relate but i'm sure there's nothing more frustrating and mainstream then people driving on a Monday with golf clubs in their boot or even worse, doing the speed limit. I don't really understand this concept. There's normally heaps of traffic on a Monday morning so aren't we all technically Sunday drivers on a Monday? Doesn't matter, this angers Chokito. Chokito is punctual and Chokito doesn't play golf like all those other Sunday drivers.

Err. If you're sick on a sickie, isn't that why you took the sickie? Or is this referring to all those times you've booked a sickie a week in advance and then coincidentally fallen ill on that actual day? What, like a holiday? Don't you book a holiday in advance and a sickie on the day? If I called my boss and said i was going to have a sick day before i was actually sick i'd get handed a slip of the pink nature. Chokito sure is a weird guy. The chances of falling sick on a spontaneous sickie are pretty slim, but Chokito says NO NO NO just in case.

Have you ever been at a party and there's some accountant walking around? I HATE THAT AS WELL CHOKITO! They just walk around like they own the place, those accountants. Don't even ask them what they do for a job, they'll probably tell you that they're an accountant and it'll totally break the crazy vibe of the party in progress. I know when I send invites out for a party i specifically request NO ACCOUNTANTS. There's nothing worse than rocking up to a party only to find that there's someone there that works for an accounting firm or even worse, a firm in general.

Texting is for queers. If you're absolutely trashed at 3AM in the morning, you don't text your ex. You call that bitch and make sure they can't ignore you. Chokito likes it's booty calls compliant and semi-conscious. If your ex isn't in bed at 3AM and is out and about, the phone call is a great means to make sure they feel guilty and awkward while they try to do other things, like getting on with their life without you calling them at 3AM for the most forgettable sexual endeavor since the last time you had sex before 3AM, which was never.

I'm a little torn when it comes to this particular campaign. On one hand, it's great to see an underrated chocolate getting some much needed recognition, but on the other hand, Chokito's attitude seems to be a little askew. I always pictured Chokito as a Chuck Farley kind of character. Big, jolly and a great guy to have at a party because he doesn't just associate with the people he likes, but spreads himself around and gives everyone a bit of face time. He wouldn't overstay his welcome either, making sure he's not the first person to leave and not the last either, sort of bidding farewell just before the closest friends of the hosts.

This Chokito sounds like a drunk, leadfoot jerk with an unjustified disdain for accountants and an inconvenient longing for ex-partners at preposterous hours of the morning. Seriously guys, Chokitos are actually great, please buy them. Biting into one is like giving birth to your own tastebuds without having to wait 9 months or even copulate. The crunchy rice soldiers under the chocolate shell will let you pass with minimal fuss and once your teeth come to rest on the soft caramel fudge pillow, all the oil spills and celebrity deaths in the world won't be able to bring you down.


Miglet said...

I freeekin’ love Chokitos!!!!

Ever since I was a youngin’, Chokitos were my first choice. I hadn't eaten one in a while (but I hadn't betrayed it either, I hadn't eaten any chocolate bars in a while) until I discovered the so-called new, improved extra chocolate Chokito with the black wrapper. Personally, I prefer the gold wrapper. It's über ’70s and easily identifiable at the 7/11, and I am not convinced that the extra chocolate has enhanced it in any discernible way. But, I am glad that it is at least getting some ad time.

As they say, any publicity is good publicity. Or something of that nature.

SC said...

What's the deal with Pollywaffles? I've never seen anybody eat one and they sound like some sort of ice-breaker game a menopausal drama teacher would make you play in year 8.

Me said...


"Ok everyone! Grab your partners by the hand! Girls remember, If the boys touch you outside the 'friend' zone, you know which magic word to yell!"

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